The Dizziness of Freedom
(But make it my version)
a belated present to welcome my early 20s, despite rotting in my draft since couple of years ago.
Freedom itself is an undeniably complex thing. There are probably scattered definitions that come from many attempts to explain its concept. But, allow me to question and answer this thing through my lens.
A certain post on Twitter about Kierkegaard’s distinct way to explain ‘Anxiety’ did spark my interest, that is “The Dizziness of Freedom”. Frankly speaking, i’ve been trying to look for a term or concept that could help me comprehend some things that have been bugging my mind since my freshmen year in college.
Freedom, people seek them, yet some others think it might “limit” them (for example me, at first hehe).
As for me, I thought (temporarily) moving out of my family house to indekos is the first step to greet the freedom that I long for. Just like a bunch of youngsters in their late 10s, limited monitoring by our parents, no curfew, able to socialize with anyone, are heavenly tastes of freedom. At times, you’ll even think lying ain’t even as horrible as you thought it’d be, no one will know except you, (or at the very least) your close(st) friend.
Turns out, freedom happens to be one of the scariest things i’ve ever encountered. If freedom means you’re free from responsibilities, that’s a shallow way to think, at least for me. Instead, I think the cost of freedom is bearing tons of responsibilities. No parents to monitor nor to set curfew, means I only rely upon myself, and me to protect myself. Every move, everything alerts me more than it should do, as I build higher and tougher walls so that no one is able to crumble it down. I’m being clumsy? I’m doomed. I get to decide everything by myself, but one wrong step, i’m doomed.
Prison is indeed not the right word, but it’s as though i ought to build my own (invisible) wall that will ensure my sanity and safety, or a brake that doesn’t limit me. It’s all about gaining one’s self-control amidst those temptations of temporary and quasi-happiness.
But one thing for sure, choice is its essence. The art of choosing and seeing where its journey takes you to. The part of freedom that also is not all rainbow and flowers, but sometimes a gamble, sometimes called challenging decision. One can’t guarantee whether it secures your happiness, though. But i remember namjoon once said, “Happiness is not something that you have to achieve, you can still feel happy during the process of achieving something”, a very comforting remark indeed, at least for me.
It surely felt like opening a huge door into a very foreign place. No, not new, it has been there, for a long time. Yet, my past self was only able to take some glances from the window these past years. Certainly, not all of them are “bad influences”, instead, mingling them taught me a lot of things, which totally helped me to make sense of the world i have yet to explore. Their experiences, stories, and existence themselves are quite enough to become teacher(s) in this school called “life and society”.
I want to continue expressing my take on what freedom really is, but i realized i might not have the ability to eloquently deliver the message that resonates with what’s inside my mind at the moment. It’s such a shame that i have to end this writing abruptly. This writing might even get edited over and over again in near future, or even get dumped like other writing in my draft hehe.
Last but not least, i want to give a pat on the shoulder for the 18-year-old Nadhira in 2019 (who kept on worrying about the freedom she expected to meet) and assure her that everything will be okay.
